The Coming of Arthur: The Comedic Edition
by morningstar115
Summary: Arthur is tired of nearly dying every time he leaves Camelot. Morgana can't get her speeches right. Merlin just thinks everyone is insane. Based on/Spoilers for The Coming of Arthur Parts 1 & 2. Warnings: Silliness, OOCness.
1. Chapter 1

Part One

* * *

 **Hello, everyone!**

 **So I was watching the two-part finale of Season 3, and I realized, though they are some of the best episodes (if not the very best) in the entire series, there is so much potential comedy...so I came up with this very affectionate parody. I hope you enjoy.**

 **Warnings: General absurdity and OOCness.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.**

* * *

 _(In the council chambers in Camelot…)_

There should have been nothing but celebration at the miraculous return of one of Camelot's best knights. Or so Arthur thought.

Of course, Uther had to screw it up.

"Did they use magic?"

"Well, I…"

"Yes or no, it's a simple enough question!"

Leon swallowed. "If I tell you the truth, will you promise not to execute _me_?"

* * *

 _(In the corridor outside Sir Leon's room…)_

"From his description, I would say…that it was the Cup of Life."

Gaius took a step back as Uther let out a triumphant yell. "Aha! Finally! I've been wanting to add that goblet to my collection of incredibly powerful and dangerous magical objects for years! Now is the perfect opportunity!"

Merlin was split between astonishment that the Cup was still in existence and concern that the king of Camelot had finally lost his mind. _Oh, wait…we already established that he did. About two or three decades ago._

* * *

 _(In the court physician's chambers…)_

"The carnage they wrought…was beyond all imagining."

Dramatic pause. "Uh…Gaius? How did they fit blood from hundreds of men into that cup? I've seen it, and while it's pretty big for a goblet…it really isn't _that_ big."

* * *

 _(Still in the court physician's chambers, seconds later…)_

"Uther knows that the forces of the Old Religion are rising against him once more…"

"Is that any surprise? And the 'forces of the Old Religion' are comprised of his illegitimate daughter, her hot half-sister, and whatever guy _she's_ sh…er, _sleeping around with_ at the moment."

Gaius gave him The Eyebrow. "To quote Arthur…Shut up, Merlin. I'm not finished with my foreshadowing!"

* * *

 _(In a random corridor of the castle…)_

"You must go alone."

"Wha… _Father_! Whenever I go somewhere alone, I nearly get _killed_ by bandits or weird animals that don't look real or magical jewelry! It's not _fair_!"

"Then take your manservant with you! Or rather, his smart, problem-solving alter-ego; when he's around me, he's got less intelligence than you. And why would you be wearing jewelry, anyway?"

 _(Insert crickets chirping.)_

"Father? Do you hear high heels retreating in that corridor over there?"

"Shut up, Arthur."

* * *

 _(In a forest in Escetir…)_

Catching his breath, Arthur admitted, "Actually, we're on a quest."

"We're looking for the Cup of Life." Merlin panted.

The prince hit him. "What part of the word 'secret' do you not understand?"

"Hey, you told him we were on a quest!"

"But not what we were looking for!"

"If you'd just listened to me in the first place…"

"You think _I'm_ to blame for us getting captured?"

"Aren't you always?"  
Gwaine grinned at the still arguing pair and took a seat on the ground, leaning back comfortably against a tree. _Now,_ this _is true entertainment…If I just had some ale right now…_

* * *

 _(In Jarl's burnt-up hideout…)_

"I don't want clues!" Jarl snarled. "I want _blood_!"

Several of his men began to back away. They liked the money and the sport that came with slave trading, but they hadn't bargained on having an employer who was a vampire.

* * *

 _(Outside Cenred's castle…)_

" _Morgause!_ "

"What, Cenred?" the sorceress snapped. She didn't like being interrupted at her work, especially when there were so many men left that she had to get blood from. _101 down, a few hundred more to go…_

"The Cup is overflowing already!"

She glanced down and cursed. "I thought it would magically expand! Have we got enough men to conquer Camelot already?"

"How should I know? This was _your_ idea!"

* * *

 _(In the council chambers in Camelot…)_

"You show great strength, my lord."

"What do you mean?"

"Day after day you must send your only son into danger!"

"Well, if I kept him here, in all his glorious, noble stupidity, he'd just be a danger to the inside of the kingdom, wouldn't he? So the more he stays on the _outside_ , the better."

* * *

 _(In Cenred's castle…)_

Cenred lay on the floor, gasping his last breath.

Morgause smirked and strode away. Inwardly, however, she was perturbed.

 _He really was good-looking…now I'll have to find another handsome man for myself…maybe Morgana knows of someone suitable…_

* * *

 _(In the council chambers in Camelot…)_

"The soldiers, Sire, they will not fall!"

"What are you saying?"

"The will not die."

Silence filled the chamber. It was so quiet you could almost hear Morgana's smirk.

Uther finally snapped. " _Then get some silver bullets, you idiots!_ "

* * *

 _(In Morgana's bedroom…)_

"We'll be massacred, every last one of us!" Gwen whispered, terror clear on her face.

Morgana snorted. "Hardly _everyone_. Who would wait on me if they did that?"

* * *

 _(In a random corridor…)_

"Arthur, are you all right?" Merlin asked anxiously.

"Keep moving!" the prince snapped in response.

As they moved down the hallway in the opposite direction that the passing soldiers had gone, Merlin muttered, "You know, they may be immortal, but they can't be much worse than Camelot's soldiers…They don't ever look left or right, either."

"Shut up, Merlin."

* * *

 _(In the throne room in Camelot…)_

"This in unlawful! You have no right to the throne!" Uther bellowed.

Morgause smirked. Merlin held Arthur down.

Dramatic pause.

Long dramatic pause.

Very, very long dramatic pause.

"Sister!" Morgause shouted. "Where are you?"

Morgana came tumbling into the room, her hair mussed and dress askew. At least her lipstick was perfect. "Damn!" she shrieked. "I fell asleep!" Then, mustering her dignity, she strode majestically up onto the dais. Stopping before the throne, she turned to face Uther, blinking rapidly to clear her eyes as she said grandly, "Uther, I am your father!"

 _(Insert crickets chirping.)_

"Wait, that came out wrong…"

Morgause facepalmed.

* * *

 **So I didn't parody every scene...it's hard to laugh at some of them...**

 **Anyway, Part Two should be up soon...maybe even tonight :)**

 **Reviews always welcome.**


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

* * *

 **Hello!**

 **As promised, here is Part 2.**

 **Special thanks to my reviewers!**

 **Warnings: Silliness and OOCness.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.**

* * *

 _(In the council chambers…)_

"Tell me, Sir Leon: how have you enjoyed the first week of my reign?"

Pause.

"I've spent it in a dungeon. What do you think?" Another pause. "Wait, was that a rhetorical question?"

"What does 'rhetorical' mean? Speak up!"

* * *

 _(In the castle courtyard in Camelot…)_

As the chorus of "Long live the King!" went up from the knights down below, Morgana leaned over and whispered, "Morgause, are you sure the soldiers will fire when I give the signal even though they're facing _away_ from me?"

"Of course, sister. I'm a powerful sorceress, remember? I gave this group of soldiers eyes on the backs of their heads, just for this occasion."

As Morgana tried to process this, she nearly missed her cue to say something dramatic.

* * *

 _(In the dungeons…)_

"Do you really hate me so much?" Uther asked plaintively. "It's not like I ever spanked you or anything."

"You cannot begin to know how much I hate you." Smirking evilly, Morgana swept out of the cell, tripped on her dress, and fell flat on her face. "Damnit!"

* * *

 _(In the cave in the woods…)_

Arthur sighed as Merlin stood and walked away from him. Picking up the bowl, the prince began to eat.

Seconds later he was coughing madly. "Merlin!" he yelled. "This isn't _rat_ …this, this is _mouse_!"

"The difference being?"

* * *

 _(In Morgana's rooms…)_

"I'm beginning to see the challenges I face." Morgana said soulfully. "Being queen is not so easy, Gwen."

The maid was about to offer some false platitude when Morgana continued crabbily, "Morgause won't let me make any decisions, the knights are being naughty, and that heavy crown _hurts my head_!"

* * *

 _(In the dungeons…)_

Leon held up a hand, halting Gwen's explanation of her plan. "Do you hear whispers, Gwen?"

She frowned. "I don't think so. Why?"

"No reason." The knight shrugged, but then donned a preoccupied expression again. "Guinevere…this plan of yours…it doesn't involve me wearing a dress, does it?"

Gwen's eyebrows went up. "Hey, that's a good idea…"

Leon groaned. "Oh, _no_ …"

* * *

 _(In Morgana's rooms…)_

"My Lady? Morgause?" Receiving no reply, Gwen hurried to the dresser, opened one of the drawers, and located the keys. She quickly found the one she was looking for and used it and a lump of clay to make a mold. Then…

" _Achoo!_ " The curtain moved as a figure spasmed behind it. " _Achoo!_ When were these last cleaned?" Morgause complained. " _Achoo!_ "

She was still sneezing as Gwen fled.

* * *

 _(In the cave in the woods…)_

Merlin muttered yet another spell, gazing into the glass container filled with lake water.

"You know, mate," a voice spoke from right behind him, "There's a whole lot of people in here…"

Merlin nearly had a heart attack. _Nearly_. He dropped the glass jar, anyway. It cracked, and water began to leak out.

Seeing that the warlock wasn't about to drop dead of fright, Gwaine said, "Sorry about the glass thingy. I'm sure you can fix it. Anyway, I have to pee. Carry on." He winked conspiratorially at Merlin and sauntered out.

* * *

 _(At the lake of Avalon…)_

Merlin was excited. _I'll get to see Freya again! And get the sword, of course._

Then a thought struck him. "Kilgharrah," he asked the dragon beside him, "how did I get out on the lake?"

"The answer to your question is closer than you think, young warlock." the dragon said mysteriously as he took flight.

Merlin rolled his eyes. "Cryptic lizard." he muttered. "Hey, there's a random boat!"

* * *

 _(At Gwen's house…)_

"I was really hoping that you were kidding about the dress…"

"Look, do you want to die?" Pause. "I didn't think so. Now _put it on_!"

Leon gulped and did as he was told.

* * *

 _(On a balcony in the castle…)_

The two smirking sumptuously-dressed women watched the two retreating figures in the nearby wood.

" ** _Beo thu leohte bewunden!_** " Morgause's eyes glowed gold, and the stones of the corridor floor _behind_ the two sorceresses began to glow.

It took a moment for them to notice and to realize what had happened. "Morgana!" Morgause shrieked. "You gave Guinevere _the wrong glass_!"

"I'm sorry!" Morgana squealed. "They looked the same, even after the potion was put in!"

" _That's the point_!" The blonde witch paused, taking a deep breath. "Morgana," she said icily, "break out the bloodhounds. We're doing this the old-fashioned way."

* * *

 _(In the woods…)_

"Here, let me help you." Gwen tried to undo the back of Leon's dress. "Oh, dear."

"What?" Leon demanded, panicked.

"I can't seem to…Do you have a knife or a sword on you?"

"No! I didn't get the chance…You mean, you can't _get it off_?"

"Yeah, um…I'm afraid we'll have to wait until we rejoin the others…I'm sure they'll have a dagger we can use to cut it off…"

"No!" Leon wailed. "I can't be seen like this! Arthur will never let me forget it!"

Still, there was nothing to do but press onward, Leon moaning every few steps, "I'll _never_ live this down…"

As enemy soldiers descended upon them almost as soon as they arrived at the cave, Leon was impeded during the ensuing chase by his lavender silk dress.

Arthur, Gwaine, and Elyan were also hindered, but by their laughter rather than their clothing. Merlin was too busy fetching his magic sword and keeping it hidden at the same time to care what Leon was wearing. Gaius didn't see because he'd left his glasses back in Camelot, though he did note that there was something odd about the moving, talking blob that he _knew_ was Leon. _Where did his legs go?_

When their two new companions joined them, Lancelot had to good grace not to laugh; but Percival might have chuckled once or twice. Maybe.

* * *

 _(In the castle…)_

"He was lucky to escape." Morgause said as she followed her sister through the hall. "I'm sorry, sister."

Halting and turning to her, Morgana said, "What can he do? Arthur has but a handful of men." She smirked. "We have an immortal army at our disposal."

"Yes, but whilst Arthur lives the people will not yield."

"Then we will make them." Morgause looked up, startled, as her sister continued, "Tonight, we will have a bellows…I mean, _gallows_ …built, and tomorrow, one by one, we will wring the necks of the knights of Camelot."

Morgause smiled, rather uneasily, as her sister strode away. _Little Morgana is finally growing up…She's behaving even more evilly than me!_

* * *

 _(In the ancient castle…)_

"This castle belonged to the ancient kings." Arthur commented as the group looked around the cobwebby room.

"How _ancient_ are we talking, here? It looks exactly like the inside of Camelot's castle, only with more cobwebs. And random pieces of furniture."

"Shut up, Merlin."

* * *

 _(Still in the ancient castle…)_

Arthur, realizing on some subconscious level that this was a very important moment, theatrically pulled the cloth cover off of the round table.

The effect would have been better if he hadn't gotten trapped under the voluminous cloth and hadn't had to be rescued by Merlin, but oh well. Nothing's perfect.

* * *

 _(Still in the ancient castle…)_

"Are you really going to knight all of us?"

"Well, obviously not all. Gaius is an old man, Merlin's…Merlin, Leon's already a knight, and Gwen's a woman. No offense, Guinevere. So it's just you four."

"Uh, well, I'm sure we're honored and all, but…have any of us four exhibited any particular interest in becoming knights? Wait, except for Lance over there, of course; he obviously just nearly wet himself in excitement..."

"Shut up, Gwaine! And don't even think about adding to that, Merlin!"

* * *

 _(Still in the ancient castle, much later…)_

Lancelot and Merlin whispered quietly together about serious matters, such as the manservant's magic and how it didn't make him immortal (though actually it might have...).

" _Mer_ lin!"

The conspiring pair froze. "Yes, Arthur?" Merlin squeaked.

"Will you and Lancelot quit your whisper-gossip over there? It's like listening to two baritone snakes. I'm trying to sleep!"

* * *

 _(Still in the ancient castle, the next morning…)_

The knights were still dividing up weapons, preparing to leave, when Percival murmured, "Is it just me, or has the prince and Guinevere been kissing for a long time?"

Everyone except Lancelot (who was already looking) turned to behold the couple still locked in a passionate kiss about five minutes after it had begun.

" _Hey!_ "

They sprang apart, looking around wildly. "Elyan!" gasped Arthur. "What is the matter?"

Elyan glared at him. "You may be my prince and future king, Arthur, but that's _my_ sister. _No making out in public_. No, don't say anything, Gwen. I know you're usually the boss, but this time…I'm putting my foot down."

Gwen _didn't_ say anything. But if she "accidentally" poured a bucket of water over her brother's head a couple minutes later…well, that was a different matter.

* * *

 _(Just outside the city walls…)_

The two guards on the nearest parapet finally turned away from the woods outside. Arthur made a gesture to the men behind them and hurried forward, unfortunately not looking where he was going.

 _Smack._

"Ow! That hurt!"

Merlin merely rolled his eyes and helped his prince to his feet. "Now that we've wasted an entire minute…"

* * *

 _(In a random corridor…)_

As the soldier stumbled towards Merlin, he lashed out with the magic sword, making the immortal explode.

Merlin glanced up at Lancelot, who was staring blankly at him and whispered, "What is that?"

"It was forged in a dragon's breath." Merlin said, almost proudly.

The knight blinked, the shrugged. "So…you can kill immortal magical things with weapons that _aren't_ blue and flaming?"

* * *

 _(In the dungeons…)_

Arthur worked quickly to free his father from his shackles. "Come on, Father, we have to hurry."

The king looked around blearily for a moment, then his gaze suddenly sharpened. "Arthur," he asked urgently, "did you get my newest collectors item?"

Arthur just stared. "Wha…Father, what the _hell_ is wrong with you?"

Uther appeared mildly indignant. "What happened to my helpful child? The one who obeyed all my orders without…well, with whining, but followed my orders?"

"I've grown up in the last two weeks! Honest! I even knighted some commoners!"

" _What did you just say?_ "

Arthur didn't get to answer before his father lapsed back into a confused state, in shock that his allegedly arrogant son could have knowingly knighted commoners. What a _travesty_!

Well, it kept him from ruling the kingdom for the remainder of his life, so that was a plus.

* * *

 _(In the goblet room…)_

Merlin and Lancelot fought the men guarding the Cup.

"Is it just me, or is this rather like a video game?"

" _Lancelot_ …Behind you!"

"Ow!"

* * *

 _(In the dungeons…)_

It was Percival who asked, "Has anyone tried chopping their heads off?"

And it was Leon who replied, "No! Don't do that! They're immortal! It'll be those skeletons all over again!"

* * *

 _(In the goblet room…)_

"I have a feeling I won't be seeing you again." Morgause said waspishly to a prone Merlin.

The warlock merely panted, "Why am I not dead already? Is it just because you like theatrics?"

Gaius charged in at that moment and sent Morgause hurtling into a wall. As she tried to retaliate, Merlin knocked her out. Then he said, "Damn! I was going to ask her if High Priestesses have 'How To Be Oh-So-Obviously Evil' classes!"

His mentor was not amused. "Merlin! The cup!"

"Oh, right…"

* * *

 _(Outside the goblet room, as it is being destroyed…)_

Listening to Morgana's screams, Merlin commented, "Is it just me, or does she sound like a guinea pig?"

Somewhere, far away, Morgana suddenly realized what Merlin had already noticed. "Oh, no! That is so…so _embarrassing_! I sounded like a _rodent_! Morgause…Morgause?"

* * *

 _(In the physician's chambers…)_

"And they searched through the remains of the rubble and…"

"Uh, Gaius?"

"What?"

"I was there, you know. Um, servants do the rubble clearing. So I know that…"

"You're being too _logical_."

"Well, considering that historically I don't exist…"

"Merlin! We're supposed to be acting serious!"

"Are you going to tell me that I did a good job?" Merlin asked hopefully.

Gaius raised The Eyebrow. "If you shut up, I might."

* * *

The End.

* * *

 **Once again, some scenes were just to good to make fun of...**

 **Thanks for reading! Reviews always welcome.**


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